Lately I have been feeling...

Blue. There I have said it. Nothing is really wrong, just that nagging feeling that something is not right. Is it the old me rearing its ugly head - the me that had disappeared for a while. The me that wants the attention of the loved one. The me that is suspicious of him and what he is up to. This perilious long-distance relationship is making me feel that way I suppose. But do I want a life of constantly checking his whatsapp online status, wondering who he is chatting with, what he is talking about. Or do I want a life where I can be happy to have him there, to know that, no matter how far, no matter that he does not text me, that he still loves me. I chose someone who is the complete of me, so I know I have no right demand him to be like me. Or anything close. God, calm my heart. I pray to you.

Another New Year

2014 is here. A new beginning? I am not even sure what I achieved in 2013, but as all the self-help books said, you must reflect and take stock, so that you can do better in the next year's journey. Truth to be told, I did not even have the time to sit down and reflect. All I could think of was just completing things, and in between I am just too tired to think. But I guess I should at least think of what I want to achieve this year: 1. To be closer to God - I need to spend more time to know Him 2. To be healthier - the usuals - exercise more, cut down on unhealthy habits, eat healthier 3. To be more supportive to my family, emotionally and financially - parents first, then my siblings, after that my nephews and nieces, and also my closest relatives 4. To build my resume, and hopefully to get a job that will pay me better and give me some perks that I have been missing - travel, better benefits There you go. I think I know what I want, but I just have not verbalised them. And of course, I hope that my relationship with Dzan gets better. And I need to set my expectations right for this I guess. Happy new year.

Accept with an open heart

Accept him for what he is... and not what I want him to be. Take him as he is... and not expect him to be someone else. Find peace with that. Be thankful that he is is in my life. Focus on all the good things I like about him.

for the first time

for the first time, in our 4 years of knowing each other, we had a fight. a fight is not the right word i think. it's more me getting upset with him, and i showed it openly to him. and he knew it, and said it that i was upset. i thought he would be insensitive to it, but he wasn't. it was about expectations - mine not meeting up with his. and he knew that too, but of course he wouldn't give it. i am not sure how it's gonna go from here. we sort of made up after that, but he knew that i was still upset. and tried to be nice. i tried to be normal too, but i think it still showed. he has gone back today, to his other life. and i am here with my life. what is next? i am not sure.

What is this lump in the chest

I am feeling it again - that lump in the chest that comes with the sadness. Most of the time I don't even know why I feel that way. Wait, I do know, but the rational side of me can't even justify why I should be feeling that way. This time it is because I feel that I am ignored by Dzan. Ignored is too strong a word - it should be he is not paying as much attention as I would like him to. And this is despite knowing that I am sharing him with someone else. And that he already mentioned that he can only give this much, and if I feel that it is not enough then I would have to look elsewhere. And he has a baby to boot. Am I being my Cancerian self? Again? I know I need to get this out from the system. And I know I need to look at the positives - that he loves me. That he wants to be with me. That I mean something to him. Why can't my heart just follow my head?

thoughts before a prayer

I am waiting to perform my early evening prayer. As a Muslim, I try to perform 5 prayers a day as the religion requests. Many times I fail, but I try as much as I can to do so. I like the feeling that the prayers give - calmness and collectedness, usually a break from the hectic schedules, or the frazzled state of mind that I get into oftentimes. Today especially, I feel very much in need of these breaks. I am feeling out of balance, my melancholy mood prevails. I need to recapture my heart. I need a dose of calm, of happiness even. I need to get F out of my head. I need to let him be him, and not to depend on him, and his every single action to dictate my mood. Ya Allah, grant me the strength to be less reliant on others to make me happy. Grant me the self-confidence to find happiness on my own. Grant me happiness.

at it again

I have no tbeen posting for a while now, and I think my life has been pretty stable, happy even. I actually met somebody that I really like, and if I were to tell the truth, I probably even love him. It is not the best of circumstances - he lives in a different city, separated by a huge body of water, he works off-shore, and he is married. We started with an online relationship, and the first time we met in person was the night before his wedding. Yes, I always have a way to make my relationships complicated. He made me happy though. He is a simple person, he cares about me, he is honest, and he is funny. It has been more than three years, and one baby. And somehow we have managed to meet up every month or so. It has worked, maybe not perfect, but who has a perfect relationship anyway. Somehow tonight I am missing him, a lot. I think it's because he has been away for nearly three weeks, and with the baby in his life, his focus is very much on the baby. And I am feeling a bit left out. I kept telling myself that I won't come to this point, but here I am. I knew what I was getting into, but i chose to continue. How do I heal my heart?

musings

I have not written for a while now. So much to say, but I can't seem to organise my thoughts. Another birthday came by, and gone. Another few sour encounters. Different faces, same issues. And Mak just got warded again tonight, so I may have to drive home. I had actually planned to go home this coming Thursday, but now I may have to go earlier.